Friday, April 27, 2012
All my lovely comments have vanished (damn you haloscan!)
All my lovely sidebar links have also vanished (damn you blogger!)
And so have all my lovely links to the most popular posts. (Damn you anyone else I can blame!)
And Google are sending me emails saying things may get lost. (uh?)
I may sit down and sulk.
I have heaps of posts I never published because these were about the court case. Nothing ever came of it - well, there were rumours that the case wasn't made public because prominent members o the cooncil were frequenting the place. So it was all hushed up... Making it almost 5 years since the brothel was shut down. I may some day post the rest of what I wrote at the time. I will most probably never own up to who I am (unless you flatter me in the pub by accidentally mentioning "this blog I used to read ages ago, about hoors in Aberdeen or sumthin) (in which case I may grin smugly and give everyone a knowing look).
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
who'd have thought it! Geocities gone! (Yeah i knew the entire world knew and I know I couldn't be arsed doing anything about it) - when I started this blog up in 2003, you couldn't get comments attached to it, nevermind pics. Hence, all the lovely decorations to this blog have gone missing coz they were linked to in Geocitites.
Which means I get to spend hours looking for pics of Les Dawson, frilly knickers and Hogarth.
Not something you want to put into your average google search.
Friday, October 23, 2009
As regular readers will know - there is nothing better than a chatty taxi driver to inspire me to post more tales of hoors in the Grey Toon. Well, I've had a boring lot of taxi drivers of late - except maybe the one who told us (at length) about how he dresses up as a teddy boy at weekends and how it's just like the old days when he jitterbugs with the Laydeez. He was verging on sinister to be honest... But I digress.
And now I have the full permission of my other source of Grey Toon Hoor News - my hairdresser - to relate some gossip. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before that this hairdressers is the hub the community and so on my last trip, I was treated to not one, but two Grey Toon Hoor Tales!
And this is the first.
Now my hairdresser holds charity fund raising events in her wee salon which she invites her regulars to. And much money is raised, much wine is consumed and much fun is had. At one particular event, three well dressed young ladies who come to her for regular styling were invited.
Now these lassies have amazing hair. They probably spend on their hair what I spend on cheap 3 for £10 deals on wine at Asdas. And that's a LOT. These ladies hair would certainly bankrupt a few of the smaller eastern european countries and their smart styles would lead even the most cynical of us to believe that they are employed as Gok Wan's personal assistants at the very least.
So of course they were invited along!
After the event, a whole lot of ladies went off to the local pub and my hairdresser nipped oot for a quick fag. Out there was one of the locals who beckoned her over. "Hemmin, Hairdresser X*" he says. (Because ab'dy kens my hairdresser - her salon is like the laundrette in Eastenders... beingthe hub of the entire community and all. Best place in the Grey Toon to find out the latest gossip on local celebs (well, Northsound DJs anyway) and the latest topical jokes and humour).
"Fit ye daen wi them lassies?" He asks.
"Och ye ken, charity thing. And a couple of drinks after" she says. "Fit wye?"
"Well me and my mates were jist wunnerin... Since whan did you start hingin' aroon wi hoors?"
*(names have been changed to protect the innocent)
Thursday, July 16, 2009
The boy was making his way through the Wildes of Garthdee the other week and some kid came up to him.
The kid couldn't have been 10. And was blonde and might have been a girl. That's all the information that soaked into his brain. I did ask for further description for blogging purposes (not living near hoors any more, we have to put up with other local quirks for entertainment), but further descriptions were not forthcoming...
Put it this way... A chylde of his generation has been so immersed in relating to the outer world through computer games that unless it was a zombie threating his experience points, or nay, Lara Croft herself... i doubt he'd have any more descriptive details with which to enrich this post. So we move on...
Anyway, the kid approaches him and goes "Excuse me?"
Immediately struck by Doom-based paranoia, he looked around himself, like this angelic wean was some in built game-distraction and that he'd very soon be facing attack by a hoard of (quote)"all-sorts-of-demons".
He goes, "What?"
She goes, "How dae ye mak Lady Gaga cry?
He goes, "Fit?"
Wee Quine: Poke 'Er Face!*
*I swear this is the truth. Perhaps a member of the local shit-pun-massiv. Possibly responsible for the tagging of the Bridge o' Dee with "I say, I say, I say...!"
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I was going to do a big serious post about this and shove my opinions on legalisation down your collective throat... But on seeing this explanatory clip from the BBC news with the lovely Jackie Burrrd, I decided that this explanation followed by some Grey-Toon-Nedette flashing her tits would be a lot funnier.
*Yes, there are heaps of them! Just google it!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Of course it's a good thing. How else are we to stalk people on the other side of the earth.
However, I notice that certain parts of the Grey Toon have not yet been completed.
So nae chunce of looking up the one legged hoor on Cotton Street then...
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
PROBLEM WITH VIGILANTES
Risks of taking law into your own hands
Hardly a week goes by without us reading about another case where someone has taken the law into their own hands only for it to end in tragedy.
The problem with vigilantes is that they lack the judgment, training and self-control which the real enforcers of the law must have.
This is why vigilante cases inevitably involve excessive behaviour, mob rule, violence and even death.
We now read about the case of xxxxx, a former oil worker, who carried out a terrifying attack on a prostitute as part of a bizarre attempt to rid the streets of drugs.
His case is complicated by issues about his mental health, but the fact remains that prostitutes involved in such a hazardous occupation deserve the same support from the law as anyone else. They are easy targets as a number of recent notorious murder cases have proved.
Other cases have also shown quite graphically how people who take the law into their own hands, motivated by revenge, often end up committing a worse crime. It is not unusual for innocent victims to pay with their lives in cases of mistaken identity.
This is why the courts must continue to take a hard line in such cases to deter others from following suit.
(original link here - http://www.pressandjournal.co.uk/Article.aspx/989442)
(An artist's impression, courtesty of http://marvelkids.marvel.com/create_your_own_superhero. Check them rigboots.)
I don't think he thought it out too well. For a start if you're going to rid the Grey Toon of drugs... surely you should be targeting the Drug Dealers. Not the toothless innocents of Cotton Street...
Also, I think we can all agree that if you're going to be a Vigilante in the Grey Toon then at the very least you need a costume. Preferably a nice thermal one. Possibly a mask too - those winds can be quite biting when you're up on top of the Sally Army Citadel looking down on the city you guard.
Next you're going to need a name. Something powerful, yet connecting you to the place you look after. How about Captain Mince for example? That would go particularly well - especially if at some point in the future you're going to need a sidekick. Who other than Buttery Boy!?
Of course if you're going to go for a more edgy feel - perhaps you could look to the oil industry for inspiration. "Roughneck." Or simply, "The Derrick"
Being a closet geek, I could go on and on with this subject. For example, good weaponry is often associated with vigilantes. Y'know, it's amazing what you can do with a sharpened seagull...
Saturday, February 07, 2009
In this second post, my Hoors Towers Correspondent tells of a typical day working in her hotel by the harbour.
My next run-in with a prostitiute happened a month or so later when a hotel guest tried to smuggle one into the room.
Working in a hotel, you'd expect to have a certain amount of duties you didn't particularly like. Dealing with particularly difficult customers for example. Drunk customers perhaps. Folk that think that trashing hotel rooms is still the thing to do...
Lucky me, I very quickly found out part of my job was to throw prostitutes out.
Here there lies a problem. I was always worried about how I was supposed to recognise them – I mean, I would be mortified if I threw out a real girlfriend who just happened to wear slutty clothes!
However, on this particular occasion there was no doubt in my mind.
The young woman tried to sneak past unnoticed (which is not that easy when you're wearing a belt for a skirt and a neon boob tube - classy!) and when I called her over her posture became immediately defensive and threatening.
Me, the little student girl from down south, tried to forget how much she could kill me if she wanted, put on my sweetest smile and said that I was “terribly sorry but it was hotel policy not to allow guests into our rooms, however, if the customer and his friend would like to talk in the public lounge that would be fine.”
It seemed to work; she swore a little bit, pulled her prey and headed back down the stairs. Feeling quite proud of the way I had handled it, I phoned up my Mum immediately.
“I just threw out my first prostitute,” I gushed, trying to make myself sound braver than I actually was. I'm sure my Mum was very impressed.
A week later I received a very strange phonecall. It went something along these lines:
“Good morning, Hoors Towers, Perfectly Polite Hotel Assistant X speaking. How can I help?”
“Yes, hello,” the voice replied, in a strange accent. Immediately I was alerted, was this a prank call or just someone with a very weird accent. Weird accents do happen in the hotel industry you know... “I would like to book a room please.”
“Is that for tonight?”
“Well I have a standard, a club or an executive.”
“And how much is the standard?”
“Would you accept forty-two?” I was really suspicious now. Someone must know the hotel's bottom line for haggling. But could I risk saying anything? No. Better take the details just in case.
“Is that a double room?” the other speaker asked,
“Yes it is. Is the booking for two people?”
“Well the thing is I’m a prostitute and would like to entertain my guests in the room.” This was definitely a prank call but who could it be? I’d better carry on speaking to buy myself some time.
Putting on my best professional voice, I replied. “Well, the thing is we acually have a non-prostitution policy….” I couldn't finish explaining the hotel policy because the other speaker had burst into laughter.
“How long have you known it was me?!!!!” She guffawed!
Mother! Well! Who would have thought that my mother would do that!
From then on, of course, it became a joke between us. Everytime I phoned her she would answer the phone with “Birmingham brothels, how can I help,” and when she phoned me I would say “Hello Sluthouse! What can I do for you today?”
This was all very well apart from the day when I phoned my Mum when she was down south visiting my Grandmother. I was chatting to her at work when a customer arrived, “Oh sorry Mum,” I said, “There’s a customer, I’ll just be a minute.”
But unfortuntely it wasn’t one of those customers that only took up a minute of my time. It was one of those customers that wanted to complain about everything and get all the faulty things in their room fixed. It was a full half an hour before I got to phone my mother back.
“Hello?” she picked up the phone,
“Hello,” I replied, “Sorry I was ages the customer wasn’t happy that his hot water didn’t work.”
“I am going to kill you,” she told me in a dangerous voice,
“Um… how come?”
“Well, two minutes after you hung up the phone rang again. I answered it with 'hello, Birmingham brothels' but it wasn’t you! It was one of you grandmother’s eighty-year-old friends. She was so confused! I had to spend about twenty minutes explaining to her that it was a joke I had with my daughter!”
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Right. According to Uncle Google, there's at least 6 in that area so we should be ok!
So recently, this friend and I went on holiday in Eastern Europe... and on one fine evening enjoying the honey vodka, she agreed to "serialize" her experiences.
In her own words, here is my friend's first story about "Hoor Towers":
“Check out that slut! You won’t get any customers at this time in the morning luv,” the other night-receptionist jeered. I vaguely responded by looking out of the window.
Prostitutes hanging around weren’t a big deal to me any more – it was all just part of a usual night working at a harbour hotel in the Grey Toon. At first, of course, when I told my Mum the hotel was situated in the red light district she was a bit alarmed, but didn’t think it would really bother me.
Then one day as I was walking to work at 6:45am a man on the other side of the road called out to me,
“You got the time, love,”
“Its 6:45am” I replied, innocently,
“Are you a working girl?”
Luckily, I recognised the question straight away, said no and hurried on my way. You see my mate the night-receptionist had warned me of this question as she had once been asked the same question and had said yes.
She said yes because she worked in the hotel. She was very hard working... Perfectly reasonable answer I'd say! A young innocent back then, she was very shocked when she was then asked “how much?”
Oh well... Strange punters, I thought, asking girls dressed in ugly hotel uniforms on their way to work in the mornings whether they were into prostitution...
Maybe the uniforms did something for them...
Sunday, January 04, 2009
A bit late I must admit, but we were all still recovering here at No-Hoors-Here-Towers. A good few days that saw not much movement at all,
I was first fitted by Mr Aberdeen Tramps though, who doesn't have internet access and therefore asked me to take over the admin of "Aberdeen Tramps And Ither Weel Kent Fowk". So I've even more provarocation to do now :P
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Anyone who has vaguely followed My Neighbours Are Hoors over the past few years or who has even had more than a casual glance, will realise that my Neighbours Are No Longer Hoors.
First of all they got closed down by the Polis and then I moved out into a much more salubrious neigbourhood.
So the front page of the blog needs a bit of an update. Hence I will change the sidebar.
Just for my own reminiscence, I'm going to cut and paste in the stuff from the sidebar that I'm going to change.
First, here's the intro. I put this in so that noone would think I was having a go at the hoors. I never got that many flames though - just the odd "Heymin, is it nae a bit sad tae spend a' yer time writin aboot yer neighbours?" which begged the obvious response "bugger aff"
Yup. My neighbours are Ladies of Negotiable Affection... and it's TOO INTERESTING not to share.
* Yeah... My Neighbours Are Hoors. This is a blog mainly about the brothel on the ground floor and what its occupants get up to. Hoors is my affectionate term for them. I'd like new visitors to my blog to know that I really don't intend to cause any offence to the girls downstairs. I respect what they do. Sometimes though, the goings-on are just too enjoyable not to go down in writing!
Names have been changed to protect the... um... er... Innocent?
Well I did change the names... Up til I moved out of the block of flats, only one neighbour gave me a nod and a wink about "When will you run out of things to write about." I did my best blank look. He was not fooled. I grinned. It was not brought up again. Either noone else from the tennement read the blog or they were too polite to mention it. Gawd bless you one and all...
Anyway... As of January 2006, this was the cast list:
The Main Characters- January 2006
* I have decided to list the main players in my blog in a handy column to ease any reader's confusion. That, and I want The Nice Neighbours to read this before they think I'm slagging them off and come downstairs to beat me up with a big hammer!
NEIGHBOUR OF TEH HOORS - i.e. ME. I have been living above a brothel for almost eight years. The novelty still hasn't worn off.
THE HOORS live on the ground floor in a one bedroom flat and are Prostitutes. They aren't from round these parts, but come up to The Grey Toon from places like London, Liverpool, Bristol and Birmingham because The Grey Toon is tolerant and full of oil money.
THE DEAD MAN is the (ex?) alcoholic who used to look like a Zombie. Has been looking very healthy lately, so I think he's given up the drink
THE COUNCIL MAN lives on the ground floor opposite the hoors and is a very nice man. He works for the council and once offered me the use of his drain rods.
SHETLAND BOY lives with his girlfriend in the flat above me. Both are ideal neighbours! Not actually from Shetland. I think one of my friends thought he was and so the name stuck.
SHETLAND GIRL owns the flat next to Shetland Boy and is also very lovely. She has moved out though and her Little Brother lives there now. Again, not actually from Shetland.
LITTLE BROTHER/BUSTED now live in Shetland Girl's flat. Seem to be very polite spikey haired youths.
TNWTCH or, The Neighbour With The Cool Hair - lives next to me. Also an ideal neighbour.
THE BOY is my boyfriend who moved in a month ago. So far he is not put off by the fact his girlfriend lives above a brothel
And finally there was the Suzi Quattro Disclaimer. Turns out I wasn't the only person spelling her name wrong :)
Suzi Quattro Disclaimer
* Many apologies to those who have been innocently Googling for the legendary leather clad songstrel, Suzie QUATRO. It seems you have been mis-spelling her name as badly as I. I know I'm now the 6th hit for this popular mis-spelling of her name, and would like to take this opportunity to point out that she is not a) my neighbour b) definitely doesn't get paid for nookie. That is all.
Monday, December 15, 2008
1st of December, out came the European lightbulb mountain which was promptly stuck to the front of my neighbours houses. Our close glitters so much it's like someone covered us in glue and rolled us through Claire's Accessories.
I was considering how to react to this.
a) Act the way I always do, wait until the 15th December (ish) and then put up my lovely tasteful tree the way I always do, whilst whistling along to White Christmas or whatever other "Christmas Classics" they have on TV
b) Go for the Ebeneezer option. Stick a dry twig in a pot, hang one solitary black bauble from it and stick the whole thing in the window. Buy one of B&Q's "festive" funereal wreaths for my front door. (Have you ever seen anything so inappropriate?)
c) Out-do everyone in the street by carrying out a cunning Italian-Job-type-ruse in Ford Fiesta in order to steal the Bon Accord's hideous singing Christmas Display Sodding MacHappy and Sodding MacHuggy (As beautifully rendered in this person's flickr - why Billy Connolly hasn't sued for defamation of character by now, I don't know) and staple it to my roof.
In the end I just went for option A. But - Drama! Dear readers! After years of not being able to use them in case the punters got confused by the red glow in the window, the sodding red tree lights finally gave up the ghost. We made a last minute trip in to town and went to B&Q who... had their blue LED lights on sale for LESS THAN A THIRD OF THE PRICE!!!
Delightedly, I grabbed some - thinking how well it would go well with my well coordinated Christmas colour scheme (Lawrence Llwellyn Bowen would have been really impressed, oh, about 3 years ago) - and wondering why on earth they'd reduce all these lovely blue bulbs!
I now know why. These things are so damn bright you could use them in an interrogation suite. I was thinking of getting eye laser surgery - but hey! I looked at my tree and now I've got 50/50 vision. If we ever need to really urgently communicate with aliens, I'm pretty sure we could use them to send morse code to reach far off depths of space...
I just had to switch off the pulse setting because the neighbours were complaining about all the aging ravers blocking up the street outside...
Sunday, November 23, 2008
The first snow of winter and doesn't my new neighbourhood look great! It's so clean and quaint looking and there are kids out sledging and making snowmen and there's a dachsund out walking with it's owner that's having to hop skip and jump over the snow. I can just see it muttering "Slow down you long legged bastard" under its breath.
We made it through Hallowe'en without getting eggs off our windows... We made it through Bonfire Night* without getting bangers through our letterbox and yesterday on a snowy walk to the local supermarket, a Ned came up to me and non-threateningly said "Wow! Your hair is ace!"
And I thought, "what a LOVELY place we've moved to" and let out an extremely saccharine sigh.
So I was starting to let my guard down a bit last night and was just about to make myself a mug of Horlilcks (do you like this cosy Waltons-like home life I'm painting?) when...
"Hahahahaha" (sound of running feet)
Yes. The local neds found our kitchen window too much of a target to ignore, had idle hands and just had to test out their snowball flinging abilities.
"Ah Bless." I thought to myself and thought back to those days when we used to ring Annie Lennox's dad's doorbell and run away... "Little tykes"
I peered out my net curtains and had to look a bit smug though. The deep snow had left footprints you see, and it was quite clear that they'd had to come as close as a metre to hit the window.
My Neighbours Throw Like Girls.
*For you Americans out there, Bonfire Night is an annual celebration of explosives being readily available in shops around the UK.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Consider the following:
When you leave the kitchen light on for more than 10 minutes, it gets hot enough to burn your fingers off. Yes. It could just be dodgy wiring... but is it?
Surely there was an episode of Most Haunted where a poltergeist was blamed for electrical problems throughout an ancient mansion? Lights were going on and off, radiators were getting hot! The phone was ringing at strange times and it wasn't just Heavy Breathing Henry getting some of his usual jollies...
Maybe my kitchen is haunted! Aaaah you may scoff. But just wait until you hear about evidence number 2!
So the first thing you do when you move to a new house (except cleaning up the butterkist that was behind the tv unit all coated in dog hair) is EXPLORE. If it wasn't part of human nature to thoroughly explore new places, The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe would never have happened... Let alone Alice Through the Looking Glass. (I read that once at University. It was sufficient to ensure I never dabbled in illegal substances).
Now I'm not sure about the rest of the world, but in Scottish houses of a certain age, there is always a "cupboard under the stairs." Basically a place for hiding stuff like brooms and stock-piled cans of pink salmon in case the apocalypse happens. Also a good place for hiding all the empty wine bottles when your mum comes round. The "cupboard under the stairs" is also hilariously referred to by those of a certain generation (and the estate agent that showed me round) as "the glory hole." Now I know what that means and I'm sure many of you out there also know what that means, but that's no reason to stop it being used by little old ladies selling houses. Perfectly charming I think! "And here's the glory hole. Young Willy used to keep his Mecchano down here."*larf*
But I digress... So in day two in the house (to be said in a Wearside Jack type Big Brother voice) we decided to check out the Glory Hole (lol). What did we find? Well, initially I thought it was just a couple of floorboards that had been removed to put in the central heating. But was it!? I accidentally knocked a dust pan down there. I paused. I waited. Probably only seconds had gone by, but it seemed like an age before the dust pan hit the bottom. So I did what all sensible young girls should do... I poured myself a glass of wine and shouted for The Boy. (Yes, he came with me. I didn't have the heart to leave him behind).
The Boy got a broomhandle and poked it down. He poked it down into the deep hole within the glory hole and do you know what he hit!? Nothing. He ran out of broom handle and arm before he managed to hit solid ground. We tried shining torches down there, but the batteries were always mysteriously dead... We tried using a lighter, but a mysterious wind always blew it out. Eventually I got the leg bone of a skellington that was sitting in the glory hole, ripped off some of it's hair and wrapped it round the leg bone and dipped this in the chip pan. I set that alight as an impromptu torch and lowered it into the deep hole within the glory hole and saw... nothing.
Curiouser and curiouser... So I phoned My Dad. He came up and asked no questions but nailed some fresh floorboards over the deep hole within the glory hole. So sorry to end a tale like this, but we've no idea what'd down there. I might be tempted to say that the space was big enough to fit an entire Austrian family.... but I'm not that sick.
But a few weeks back, I had some friends over to do a serious bit of drinking in the back garden to celebrate the last day of warmth before a miserable Grey Toon Winter kicks in. Songs were sung, wrongs of the world were righted and eventually we retreated into the house where certain members of our party were free to go off and Talk To God on the Big White Telephone. (ie peuk down the lavvie.)
Now I'm not saying that there is anything at all wrong with The Grey Toon shire's water department, but is it NORMAL for at 4am after a few good flushes for the water in the cistern to boil?
Honestly. Our friends had left, I had a shower to stabilise myself slightly before passing into a coma, and I opened the bathroom window to get rid of the steam... leaning on the cistern for balance. And wtf? It was hot!
So I flushed the lavvie - and believe it or not, STEAM. Steamy hot lavvie water! Now I ran the cold tap in the bathroom and the kitchen and they were both running hot - at 4am on a sunday morning.
Plumbers and water department of the shire... I beg you... Is this NORMAL? Or is there a ghostie in our cistern?
Hmm. At least come the cold winter months, we can gather round it on a cold day. Rather like Van Gogh's The Potato Eaters, but with a lavvie instead of a plate of tatties...
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
I can not tell you, ladies and gentlemen, exactly how thrilled I am to hang out my own pants on my own washing line (Ok. It's nae a washing line. It's a whirly. Do I need to do a translation of whirly for the non-Scots reading this? or is a "Whirly" self explanatory?)
Not only can my pink and black starred goth knickers flap around innocently in the breeze of a sunny afternoon without some punter nicking them, but I can actually do stuff in the back garden!
So far this has included:
1) Going round it with a trowel flinging dog shit over the fence at the bottom into the field-of-mystery beyond. This was more fun than it sounds. It felt like I was playing Lacrosse. Not that I went to a posh school, ken. My school was more about violently knocking divits out of each others ankles with the knackered old hockey sticks... or I remember the time we went cross country running and all sat in a ruined old house watching some of the boys sniffing poppers. Ah them were the happy auld days.
2) Filling in the holes dug by said dog. This involved a bag of compost and a bag of grass seed and a nice bottle of Cava on a Sunday afternoon.
3) the purchasing of plastic daisies. I will never live up to the diorama of Deeside being reenacted up the road a bit, complete with plastic Bill and Ben made to look like Victoria and Billy Connelly and a simple looking Gnome ... but the plastic daisies are my admission to the world that it will be some time yet before I turn the excrement-covered bomb-site that is my back garden into the Xanadu my new neighbours are all undoubtedly wishing to see...
4) Leaning over the fence discussing the local news with my new neighbour. Leaning over a fence! Gossiping! I feel like after experiencing tennement life for the past 10 years, I have finally found my home. Seemingly I have spent my whole life destined to natter over a fence with a like minded lady about how "him-across-the-road" lost his wife to the milkman and how her two doors down has had a face like a smacked arse since it turned out her daughter in law was up the duff to a polish plasterer.
You can now put a face to me. I look JUST like Les Dawson as Cissie (or was it Ada?) In fact, I'm off to New Look to get meself a leopardskin print headscarf right now.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
So here it is: http://myneighboursarehoors.blogspot.com/2008/01/i-wrote-song.html
Sunday, July 13, 2008
I have been Absent. Not just mentally (that is nothing new) , but from t'internet as a whole. For an awfy long time. And why? I hear you ask impatiently?
Well, I couldn't really say anything about it at the time without giving away my oh-so-secret identity, but...
After 10 years in my flat, I started getting itchy feet. Looking at the housing market, I decided that if there was any time to get a ridiculous price for my flat, then 2008 was the time.
Ladies and Gennlemen... I have moved. I was no longer Neighbour Of Teh Hoors... Now I have gone even further and am now Ex-No-Longer-Neighbour-Of-Teh-Hoors.
At this point I have to say that keeping a blog about the selling of my flat and subsequent house hunting would have been BLOODY HILAROUS. Sadly you won't see that here unless I go back in fill in the spaces. Which I might do. I'm just DYING to tell you all about the woman in Cove who didn't tidy away her 40yo son's porn collection... But I digress.
Suffice to say that I have upped and gone from the Grey Toon and flitted far, far, away. Well about 20 miles or so anyway. I am now in Commutersville! (no. you probably won't find that on googlemaps)
This means a few potential changes to the blog:
1) I have to call it "My Neighbours Aren't Hoors" for fear of having a very strong wireless broadband connection and my new neighbours logging on to the Beechgrove Garden web page, only to get paranoid that I think they're running a brothel, not the local chapter of the WRI.
2) I can tell you lots of scandalous stuff I couldn't tell you before about my old neighours! Except that they were all so damn lovely and that I'm going to miss them LOTS. Seriously. After all the undesirables left, we were a harmonious little tennement with cheery vibes that would rival the residents of Sesame Street
3) I can tell you all about the sad demise of the Hoors. I can tell you what actually happened. Why they left, where they went, and how we all had to go to court to do our bit for Queen and country! (Actually, maybe I can't. I'm sure there's some law about not doing any of that before it's been in the Peenj. Hrm. I will find out.)
Anyway, that's enough for now. I will continue when I have the energy. All this unpacking, painting, drinking of Asda's Cava and sharing of cups of sugar with the new neighbours is tiring you know...
Until then, toodle pip!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Another is when you receive a text like the one I just got 10 minutes ago:
"Quick. Look out your front window. There's a man on a pogo stick pogoing his way up the street."
I jumped up onto the windowsill and opened the window to lean out and see this rare grey toon spectacle. Never let it be said that use of the pogo stick is restricted to small 60's children on sunny afternoons. It's pissing down out there. Personally I can think of modes of transportation less ridiculous for a rainy tuesday night...
(Edit, 5 mins later... I just got reply to a text i sent back... "If I hadn't heard the boing-ing, I wouldn't have noticed it!")
(Note: Wikipedia has the following section under it's entry for "Pogo Stick"
Andrew Roberts, respected historian.
Oh the mental images...)
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Hence I would like to publicly congratulate my neighbours across the way on the fine performance they're putting on - as I'm sure I speak for all the neighbours who can see in their window. There's a cello! There's a violin! They're doing that wobbly headed thing that classical musicians do when they're really into what they're playing! (or being a bit pretentious) And occasionally something in pink (and possibly tulle) glides past the window.
It's all really very impressive. Wonder what they're up to? (Oooh! Granny just put in a tray of biscuits!)
P.S. yes, there has been a bit of an absence of presence from My Neighbours Are Hoors. This is because things are still afoot and I can't post my massive backhistory of posts. *sigh* but one day my friends! One day!!!
Friday, February 22, 2008
We enjoyed the movie (for you 'Mercans. "Pictures" for the rest of us), had the usual hassle getting out of the Cineworld car-park and then drove towards our destination, Our Local Chinese Restaurant, through the Red Light District.
At this point, it's worth noting that the Green Light District has been KO'd by our ever-thoughtful Council. That's worth another post though. (In which I'll probably get a bit Political). As a result of which (and the usual Grey Toon Pissing Doon Rain), the drive home was particularly quiet with regards to Street Hoor Presence. Usually you get at least 5 hoors plying their trade - even in the bucketing rain. But not tonight. Oh no. It was like some post-apocalyptic Grey Toon. Not ae single hoor on the streets. I was half expecting to turn the corner and see kids gazing into the flickering skeleton of a tv screen except... Shock! It's only a fireplace.
We were only half way up St Clement Street when my friend (Neighbour Of The Neds to those of you with a good memory) says "Hey! Hadn't we better book a table?"
Good point. So we pull over in the middle of HoorsVille to make that vital phonecall. Not that my mobile phone numbers consist of restaurants and pizza places. Honest!
So I'm dialing the number. Sitting parked in Street-Hoor-Central between an ancient Escort and a hefty auld fish van. Waiting for the restaurant to pick up. Totally distracted by the potential of Chili King Prawns. Tapping my teeth and willing them to Pick Up The Phone. Come on. Pick Up The Phone you buggers!
And my friend goes "Turn the headlights off"
"Turn. The. Headlights. Off"
And then I realised. We're sitting in the middle of the Grey Toon Red Light district with the headlights of the car on. Maplight on so I can see the number I'm phoning. Dressed as young up-and-coming ladies do of a Saturday night in the Grey Toon. In an EMPTY red light district.
And it was like some sort of remake of Dawn of the Dead! Punters. Staggering towards us. Their arms outstretched (possibly hingin' with a doggie bag fae the local Polish Craws Nest Ristorante) towards us. Or maybe like the bit in Jurassic Park where you're screaming at the stupid blonde kid waving the torch at the dinosaurs so they know EXACTLY where she is... "TURN OFF THE FECKING TORCH YOU IDIOT!!!"
Time slowed like in the very worst of horror movies. I could hear the restaurant phone pick up. A long drawn out phonetic spelling of my second name was made... The booking was made. We drew a deep breath.
As the first of the Zombie-punters made their way to our (now locked) car, I speedily hung up, went into reverse and practically handbrake-turned up towards Millar Street, taking us miles away from the drooling Zombie punters of the Grey Toon Red Light District.
Damn good Chili King Prawns though...
*although bloody hell! How DID they achieve that red blood?! I KNOW from watching stupid "the making of" documentaries on SKY that blood looks black in the dark. It was directed in Burton-Vision for Gods sake. It was almost ALL in the dark! How come the blood was red!? Did they add Fluorescein to it!?! **
** Also. It was the 3rd most gory film I've seen after Sin City and Passion Of The Gibson. *** It also made me want to decorate my kitchen in greys and reds like a 1800's thieves kitchen. "Oliver!" had the same effect on me. But I digress...
***Actually... The best Mel Gibson pun I ever heard was in the Sun after his temporary "indiscretion" in August 2007. It was as follows (as I remember it anyway). Ahem. "They said when Mel Gibson filmed 'Braveheart' that he could never truly play a Scotsman. But hey! Now look at him! Now he's Drunk AND Racist!" Lol. ****
****I digress again. The funniest Sun Movie review pun ever was for "Troy" I think. "The main highlights of this film are in Brad Pitts hair." Classic. Right. Better go write the actual post... :P That means you have to scroll up again to the main body of text. Sorry...
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
It's to be sung to the tune of Nicky Tams - because apparently everyone's first song has to be written to the tune of Nicky Tams. (OK. It's not my first song. That was "Prozac at Christmas," and that was co-written to the tune of "Happy Christmas (War is Over)")
It's also in doric. If you need a translation, leave a comment.
My Neighbours Are Hoors
Well, I bought my flat in a tenement in 1998
It was auld and quite a mess and I'd hae tae decorate
But I got myself a mortgage, everything was going fine
Til one day the upstairs neighbour said “Can I hae a quick word, quine”
“Ye see I think ye need tae ken fits goin on doonstairs
There’s been lots o mannies visiting, and sometimes they’re in pairs
They just bide fur half an hour or so and they’re comin' at a oors”
And that was when I first found out that my neighbours were hoors
So then I’d tae be paranoid o’ openin’ doors tae men
There were times that I wid hav tae say “I’m nae aene o them!”
My mither she was horrified, my faither nae at a
He said "Maybe they’ll gie ye a job if ye need a bob or twa"
They’d be queuing at the door sometimes, two or maybe three
For there’s mony a lonely oil man will pay for company
And the passions o’ the punters were very clearly stirred
For the sounds o’ whips coming through the wa was occasionally heard
Well the neighbour fa bides across the road wiz nae impressed at a
In fact she cam and said tae me “I hiv informed the law”
But the polis kent a aboot them, they hidnae escaped detection
In fact, it seemed a o’ Aiberdeen kent o’ our Ladies of Negotiable Affection
The next eight years were eventful for these hoors were nae discrete
It could be mair entertaining than Coronation Street
Twa hoors aence hid a party, the wine it freely flowed
But the evening ended, they were apprehended for fightin in the road
One day there was a trail o blood, horrid thoughts ran through my head
A Doric Jack the Ripper, had killed them in their bed
I called the polis straight away, they left the door ajar
I keekit in and saw twa bobbies rifling through their drawers
One day the Jehovas Witnesses were coming roon the doors
Unaware oor tenement housed twa hard working whores
First they lectured me on Godless deeds and the dangers o temptation
Then they ask-ed me if I kent onyone that could do wi some salvation
Well the de'il on my shoulder, he gave oot a gleeful cry
And he said “This opportunity, it cannae pass ye by”
So I said “Kind sirs, If you’re looking for those that sorely need your prayers
Ye neednae look nae further than the tarts wi hearts doonstairs"
Aifter eight long years I’m sad tae say the brothel was shut doon
Now the hoors must walk the streets at nicht the ither side o toon
I miss my harlot neighbours they were the best in Aiberdeen
For they said good day, they worked hard, and they kept their passage clean
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Sorry Girlies. I could give up Chocolate. I could never sully my tastebuds with Cadbury's ever again. I could skip past the Bournville Factory, twirl past the cocoa fields of this earth and, verily sprint, past the combined chocolatiers of Belgium, Switzerland, Austria and your deepest darkest imaginations... For I have an alternative. And that alternative is CHEESE.
This year was the year that Everyone Got The Hint!!! Stilton... Dolcelatte... Edam... Haloumi... Brie... The smellier the better. The packages had sat under my tree, disguised as socks, for days and weeks... until Christmas day when they were set free! Opened! And then swiftly shifted to the fridge with the comment "Oh Shite. I bet they've gone off." And gone off they had. Blue!? They were Indigo! Moulded? They were Rancid! And I consumed my cheese, "Oh my Darling Cheeses!" with glee!
If you're from my work and you're reading this. Yes. I know. You thought I was joking and I'm not. I tried to give it up once... I got THE SHAKES. I went COLD TURKEY. And I found my soul to be weak - oh, weak! Ohhhhhh gorgonzola how I love thee.
Anyway. I'm digressing big scale now. Num num.
Cheese. Dreams. Those are no old wives tales! Cheese does indeed give me odd dreams - as does Red Bull. I often think that in times gone by, I'd have been seen as a Seer on account of my prophetic and truth-telling dreams. (Until the day I run out of cheese and get hounded out of the tribe, having to make a living as a swineheard).
And the dream I had last week after my post-yule Fromage-Orgy?
Well! Sit yourselves down my children and prepare for my tale...
I had lost my job. Maybe a turn in our industry, or maybe just "cost cutting" - I dunno. The dream didn't specify. There was only one way to pay my bills and a job in Asdas wasn't considered. Perhaps the fluo green uniforms would have clashed with my hair. I don't know. But in this dream, I was to become what I blog about on a regular basis... I was to become a HOOR.
Of course, in this dream the Green Light district was long since gone and I found myself lurking around the lower reaches of Market Street in the freezing cold Grey Toon winters gloom. I have to point out that I was ae Classy Hoor. In pinstripe. I might have had a bustle and one of those little Victorian hats, but we can put this down to the cheese.
I walked back and forth. It was absolutely baltic! My fellow hoors weren't being all competitive over their turf, but welcomed me to their most accommodating collective bosom and tsk'd and clucked when I told them my tale of woe and job-less-ness. In my dream I was surprised to note that most of them had their own teeth. It was raining, we had to pee in doorways and we had to hide whenever the police went by, but eventually a car drove up. He rolled the window down and leant out. He had a ridiculous handlebar moustache, but I stifled my dream-giggles and started to say my long-practiced lines that I'd learnt from my fellow hoors, The Bill and Band Of Gold (and possibly an episode or two of Sharpe, from the accent) ... "Ello Sir, Are ye lookin' for business?"
Just then my company's van screeched up and the punter glanced round and accelerated up Market Street towards Torry. I panicked - but for no reason. It was just my ex-workmates who had brought me a flask of tea. I was most grateful, but begged them not to tell anyone (How Dickensian that sounds!).
Off they went and I drank my tea, bemoaning a splash of Earl Grey on my pinstripe Hoor-Outfit and sharing it with a couple of my hoor friends. We'd look out for eachother.
But then... A Limo approached. Not any limo... not the kind hen nights and teenagers get for their birthdays, but a Limo. A vehicle of Class. The window whirred down and a man sat there holding a glass of champagne. I wondered for a minute if it was a Dons footballer, but his hair was too coiffured, and there was something familiar about those beautiful white teeth!
He smiled and asked me if I wouldn't mind helping him "entertain" his friends back at his penthouse. I did my best to elegantly lower myself into the back of the limo, desperately wishing I could come up with some better topic of conversation than "Balmedie eh? Fit a Shambles min!" I was quite confident that I could engage anyone in intelligent Balmedie-related Golf banter, however. Just so long as I could remember my " The Rain In Spain Falls Mainly on the Plain."
But within no time, we were arriving at the hotel and I was marveling at the deep pile of the carpet on the way up to his penthouse. (Couldn't have been THAT good if there was no lift. Honest.)
I got there and settled on a sofa. A sofa so soft I almost dissolved into it. I considered that if Mr Trump were to pay me, I'd never have to Hoor myself on the Streets Of the Grey Toon Again... and then I wondered what was to come next.
A maid entered. A packet of Jaffa cakes was laid quietly on the coffee table. Mr Trump smiled.
All he wanted me to do was watch him eat Jaffa cakes.
While he was Nekkid.
Then I woke up.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
The Nice Council Man With The Drainrods was asking me the other week if I'd seen a particular tramp going around the area lately.
Yes. I had. "He's nae lookin' well." "He's aye drinkin Cider" "Far does he bide?" The conversation went on. Poor Council Man couldn't sleep one night because of the singing beneath his window!
I sympathised and thought nothing more of Mr Tramp.
But then just the other day I was coming out of the block of flats when I heard a TINKLING noise! No it wasn't Evelyn Glennie doing a star turn on a glockenspiel in the middle of the street. No, it wasn't a Grey Toon Fairy coming back from the pub after a hard day's wish granting.
I thought to myself "My God. Has that leaky overflow still not been fixed!?" But then I looked up the street where Mr Tramp was slumped against the tenements creating a rather turbulent flow of "spent cider" down our fine pavingstones. Tinkling explained.
Filthy bastard had the biggest grin on his face you ever did see. Not sure if he was just impressed with himself or leering at me.
Bloody Pissing Tramp.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
I'm don't mean to get on my high horse and think I'm better than anyone and I'm not being naive or anything cuz I do know what goes on (dontchaknow) but there's something about this story that makes me go "Ewwwwwwwwwww" or shudder or, in fact, go "Heeuuurgh!" (Which isn't a very lady-like noise).
Onwaye. A friend of mine was getting a taxi out to the airport and by all accounts she had one of the Grey Toon's finest taxi drivers. Like most taxi drivers everywhere, he was willing talk about anything and at great length too. The conversation eventually turned to the hardships of being a taxi driver. What, my friend asks, do you do when you get drunk people, violent people, dodgy people hailing your taxi?
Well this taxi driver would take them all. Drunk folk? So long as they don't peuk in his car, that's fine. Violent folk? They wouldn't bloody dare try mess wi him. Prostitutes? ...one of the most lucrative types for a taxi driver as you hang around with the meter running to take them back. Junkies going to see their dealer? Ditto.
And then he told her this story:
He was on his way back in to town when he picked up a fare. A tarty wumman and her young daughter. Now this wumman asked him to take her to a certain bridge in the Grey Toon. Now, readers, the Grey Toon hasn't many bridges and if you're local, you'll probably figure this one out for yourself. Apparently this bridge is the place to go for buying certain illegal substances, and this was a well known fact to Mr Man-Of-The-World Taxi Driver. So he dropped her and her daughter off and waited for the wumman and wee quine to totter back.
"So," he asks the wumman. "How can you let your wee lass stand there and watch you buy your drugs? Are you nae worried it'll have some sort of ill affect on her?"
"Ha!" cries the wumman, "Wee Lass!? She's Sivinteen! Half o this is fur her!"
Mr Man O The Wurld Taxi Driver is horrified for once and at a loss for words.
"Half for her? But she doesnae look 17!"
"Aye." says the wumman smugly. "And ye ken fit? She earns twice as much as me." Smirk. "Punters think she's just a kid, ye ken?"
And then, according to the taxi driver, he let the two of them off at the docks ready for a night's gainful employment.
And now I shudder and go back to my sweet and innocent life. *Couk.*
Old Hoor prepares her 17 yo daughter to go out for a night's hooring. "Ere, she looks 12 y'ken!"
Note dealer on pantomime horse in background flogging hard drugs to passengers on the Number 19 to Tillydrone.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
I was sitting in traffic the other evening, preparing to run the gauntlet of drunken neds running across Union Street, and I chanced to look a a nice new shiny advert in their window which proclaimed - "Only £25! Foot and Boby Massage!"
And I wondered... Had it been an accidental mis-spelling of Body? Or even more tragically, had they been intending to offer a boaby massage for only 25 quid?
If it was a boaby massage, I wonder if the Grey Toon Polis Cuttin-Doon-On-Hoors Division should be informed?
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Of course with the Hoors gone, there's not that much to write about! (Well there is, but I can't. This will all make sense some time in the future.)
Well... tonights post. It is written as I sit here in the freezing chill of a Grey Toon summers evening, huddled round my Bombay Bad Boy (TM). And tonight my thoughts drift towards the poor hard working girls doon at the harbour who only have their skimpy tops and "pelmet for a fanny" skirts for warmth - outfits that make the job of the Grey Toon Hoor just that little bit less cosy of an evening.
And I'm not the only one that feels sorry for them when I drive past on the way home from picking up a pizza... For back in June, the kind hearted Sex Industry Forum announced that one way to spend some of a £200,000 grant intended to "solve the problems of prostitution" would be to give the poor freezing hoors an early Christmas
gift of some nice wooly tights and toastie gloves.
See the full story over at the PeenJ - linky
'Ere Luv! You wouldn't 'ave any wooly tights in there would ya? It's bloody freezin' out 'ere!
I'm sure the punters will greatly appreciate a warm hoor of a cold winters evening.
Monday, July 16, 2007
The Boy and I were busy wrestling some heavy DIY detritus down the stairs and The Dad of a Potential Purchaser was just in time to open the door for us. (What a nice man).
He smiled and asked a few questions - like you should when you're buying a flat. Such as:
1) Do the buzzers work?
2) Does the roof leak?
3) Is the Council Tax particularly high?
4) What's it like parking outside?
All fine and well.
Happily I didn't have to lie to his next questions...
5) What are the neighbours like?
6) Is there a brothel on the ground floor?
Away went Potential Purchaser and her Dad, happy with my answers and discussing the Estate Agent's shirt.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
On friday I came back home from Glastonbury to find a contortionist from a local estate agents dangling out the top part of the window putting up a big For Sale sign on the big windowpane below... Which is a shame because Shetland Girl (along with all the other tennants at the moment) has been a great neighbour. In fact for the first time since I moved in 8 years ago, the tenement is a peaceful place where we say hi to eachother and don't have any problems to sort out.
Now we get to start a whole new panicking train of thought. Who the hell is going to move in!?
Since I've been here... we've had drug dealers, Nazis, The Hoors (obviously), the mafia (or so the theory went at the time), a good few occasions of assault, credit card/lingerie/identity theft and numerous breaches of the peace. Before that there was reportedly a paedophile...
What are the odds? Realistically? Surely statistically we're due a pillar of the community something?
Ugh. Something tells me I'd better look up Amazon for the Usborne Serial Killers Spotters Guide
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Monday, June 11, 2007
I was talking a few weeks back to the young lady who has moved into the flat previously occupied by The Hoors. After a few minutes of chatting she asked who lived in the flat before her.
"Aaaah, ummm, aaah, errrr...." I fumbled looking for a way to break this to her gently.
"Och, don't worry about that! I know what TYPE of people lived here before - I just need to know what name the phone was under"
"Ohhhhh.... It was under the name of A. Madame."
"Thanks very much," she said, "only I need to phone up BT and get them to change the phone number."
There is a few brief moments as my sleepy thoughts process this information and the penny finally drops.
"Oh no. No. Really!? They didn't change the number before you moved in!?"
I look pale. She grimaces and nods. "Oh aye. After a couple of incoming calls, I soon figured out what the flat was used for."
Sunday, June 03, 2007
You can see where people accessing your site live.
You can see when they access the site from their workplace (and hence I'd like to say a big "HI!" to all the uk government workers out there :)
And more to the point, you can see what they were searching for on google when they found your site.
And that, faithful readers, lets me know an awful lot about the strange people out there. I have previously blogged about "my neighbours don't like me," "what should I do if I suspect someone is running a brothel" and "How do I decorate my flat like a brothel interior." But nothing could have prepared me for this:
"Why does my female cat like to play in my dirty undies"
Answer: I don't know. Perhaps there is a Dr Pussy Freud out there with a comfortable couch and inkblots of balls of string and toy mice that might be able to help you out?
Either that or stop washing your pats in new Bold Non-Biological Catnip Fresh.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Awaiting our fine cuisine, we were few glasses into a bottle of fine pink wine and starting to put the world to rights. Neds? What's to be done with them! The Grey Toon Bypass? A shocking state of affairs! The Grey Toon Housing Market? What's the world coming to! And why the hell did they grind the Grey Toon to a standstill for months just to do THAT to Market Street!?
Finally, we got around to discussing Council Tax.
"And we've gone up to a band B! says I, indignantly. And a a slightly higher volume than usual as the backround noise was quite loud. "We used to be an A! Up to a Band B! Upgraded!"
"Why's that then?" says my friend. "Well... Maybe it's because there's not a knocking shop on the ground floor now!" I guffaw.
You know those bloody natural silences you get in public places? Just when you're shouting out something really inappropriate for the place you're in? I time it right every sodding time.
Monday, May 14, 2007
A couple who were having sex in an Aberdeen city park, had to walk home stark naked, after their clothes were stolen. The “gentleman” involved in the open-air event, is said to have run off after his clothes were taken at Bon Accord Terrace Gardens, leaving the 23-year-old woman to walk half-a-mile home, through Aberdeen city centre. But she did cover her modesty with 3-sheets of newspaper. The evening got worse for the young lady, for when she got to her flat, she found that her flatmate had locked her out, and her set of keys were in her stolen jacket. A neighbour had to call police, who arrived to let the woman in and rumour has it that her flatmate is also her boyfriend. A police spokesman said, "There is obviously an element of humour to this story. But there is also a serious side, when someone drinks so much that they do something they would never dream of doing sober."
A typical Grey Toon sight. The result of too many Bacardi Breezers.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Initially there was a bit of confusion over which of three incidents he was referring to.
Was he talking about...
1) When there was a naked man knocking on my door in a hotel a couple of years back. (No. I hadn't ordered one.)
2) The actual incident he was referring to where a young couple stopped for a bit of midnight rumpy pumpy under a bush in a park in town (not anywhere near my back garden, but I think he was referring to The Grey Toon as my back garden) and some cad ran off with their clothes for a laugh. (So funny I might actually do a seperate post on this)
3) The time a Hoor phoned the police because there was "A Man" in our back garden.
I won't bother going in to 1) or 2) here... but ahahaha... 3) is definitely worth a mention.
It was about 11 o'clock and I was just having me pre-bed cup of cocoa and making sure my night-cap was sitting demurely on me head when there was a bit of a noise coming from the back garden. I peered down. Some of the Grey Toon's finest constabulary had been called in by the current Hoor-In-Residence. It was summer and the windows were open, so I could hear the lot.
"I sor 'im I did! Froo me winda! I sorrr 'im!"
"Can you tell us exactly what it was you saw, Madam?" asks Mr Policeman (Hah. he got it wrong there. She wasn't the madame... Just one of thae hoors!) (Obviously I couldn't see them, but I can imagine him looking her up and down, taking in her undoubtedly fantastic outfit, wondering if this is all part of some punter's fantasty...)
"'E were all runnin' arand! Out 'ere! All frantic like! Not right for a wumman ter be alonnnne in 'er flat with that type runnin around!" (Pause, as Mr Policeman digests this, wonders how long she was intending to be alone and wondering exactly what "that type" must be for a Hoor to be objecting.)
She continued. "All long 'aired 'e woz! Wearing dark cloves! Runnin arand! I'd check them outhaases I wud!"
And then there was a switching on of a flashlight followed by a shriek from the over exciteable hoor who saw a shadow move or something. (Perhaps she'd been watching the Ring. Ahahaha.) The light from the flashlight bobbed about the garden, highlighting the whirley, abandoned lawnmower and the empty shells that are our sheds. Nice Mr Local Bobby then Proceeded to check the sheddies. A process which involved some murmurings of interest as the Bobby and his companion discovered The Godfather's stash*.
They prodded around in the sheds for another minute or so before there was a subdued "Ewwww!" as the WPC trod on something unsavoury and then they decided that there was clearly no one there.
"Well, naebd'y there" said Mr Bobby. "But if there's any more carrying on, just give us another phone."
"'Ain't right." muttered the Hoor as they took her back into the tenement, "Folks runnin' arand all dressed in black. Likley to give a lass an 'art attack it is!"
Poor Hoor. I'd hate to be frightened by a shadowy face looking into my boudoir. Mind you, maybe it wasn't all that sinister, maybe she should have checked the window for a box of Milk Tray...
*The Godfather was a Brando-esque, sinister, portly gent with terrifying eyes who occupied the flat the Council Man lived in. His shed was, and still is, filled with bikes and TVs (of the electrical, not ladyboy variety) and other suspicious boxes. The neighbours and I intend to have a good rummage some day to clear up space for the multiplying bikes and also to see if we can find any hoards of cash/drugs/things to sell on ebay).
Monday, April 30, 2007
Yes. I can hear you all sigh in reminiscence of the time you stumbled up there at 4am to purchase a nice apple pie, a bottle of fizzy wine for 99p and a few bags of those bizarre Norwegian cracker things that have been reduced to 25p because they're 3 months past their sell by date (not that anyone would notice because these things are like rocks anyway).
You'd probably have been served by a small child, despite the late hour and there would have been about 10 other people in there all also tempted in by the promise of cheap fizzy wine (ach, screw the licencing laws), mince pies, and sherbert dip dabs all at an hour at which most other shops will be shut. My dad once told me the only reason they keep it open is that if they close, someone breaks in.
Obviously, for legal and slanderous reasons, I'm not going to name this shop. Also I'm a coward and am scared they'll come after me and beat me up with a packet of rock hard norwegian cracker breads. Suffice to say it might just be near George St.
Anyway. It's name. It's honorific. It's called The Dodgy 24 Hour Porn and Popper Shop for a reason. It sells more porn than I have ever seen in my LIFE (except maybe on that trip to Amsterdam where I was surprised to find not one, but two (!) issues of "Horse Loving Transvestite"). They don't have a top shelf, they have a whole wall of the stuff. (And a small section reserved for such distasteful mags as Gardener's Weekly and the Radio Times.) And if you ask nicely, they have a good selection of poppers* behind the cash desk.
When I used to go in there during my student years (Sherbert DipDabs and Norwegian Crackerbreads with cottage cheese being essential for the studying mind), I saw something else in there...
For in those days, it also had a small discreet booklet. A valuable document most valuable to the punters of the Grey Toon. It hung on a rusty nail behind the door next to the wall of porn and was yellowing and well thumbed. Further investigation all those years ago also informed me that it was regularly updated with the odd page added with a staple or two to the back. I believe it was entitled "Saunas and Massage Parlours of The Grey Toon"
Even back then before my familiarisation with the GreyToon's prostitution industry, I was surprised at what a vast range of friendly services are available in our fine city...
* Amyl Nitrate for those of you wot don't know.
Monday, April 23, 2007
On behalf of all the hoors neighbours of the world, Darren, I'd like to congratulate you on your
a) photographic skills and b) dedication to the cause :)
Also - a thought. She does look a bit like the Carol Vorderman Hoor. This one looks like she has teeth though.
Darren, I salute you!
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Once, long ago in the late 90's, we (the residents of the tenement) found out that Our Neighbours Were Hoors.
Our first reactions on discovering this? Well, they included gossiping between neighbours behind closed doors over cups of tea (and in the case of the dead man, a Tennents Stubby), reporting them to the honorable polis of the grey toon (who didn't really care), and watching the sweet little old lady across the road note down the registration number of every car that parked outside. My father at this time made a point of telling everyone who would listen that his daughter lived there and he was just doing a bit of DIY for her and definitely wasn't a "visiting uncle."
Our first emotions? Well, they varied from stunned shock to indignant NIMBY* outrage to exasperated acceptance.
And it was during this final emotion that our old upstairs neighbour, J (Hi J!), was sorting the mail one day at the bottom of the stairs when a punter was buzzed into the entranceway. I expect, so early on in our knowledge of the brothel, her immediate response was that of flight or fight. And, being a little pissed off at the growing business on our ground floor, her first reaction was to do this (in her best ringmaster style):
"WELCOME TO THE *insert street name* BROTHEL!!!"
And then she did Jazz Hands.
There are very few good excuses in life to do Jazz Hands, and I think dear readers that you'll agree this was one of them.
Wiki link for those of you who don't know what Jazz Hands are
P.S. Typing "jazz hands" into google image search is one of the funniest things I've done... well... ALL DAY!
*NIMBY - Not In My Back Yard!
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Well, we had just taken my friend's son to see some kids film or other and we were taking that route so we could get chips on the way home. Despite the heavy rain, there were quite a lot of street hoors out, pacing up and down in their thigh high boots, pouting and smoking and generally looking available for business.
"What are all these women doing standing around?" asked the wean as we drove past a group of about 3 of them huddling in the shelter of a phone box.
"Um. They're all waiting for taxis."
"That's a shame for them. They're not wearing very much... and it's raining" Aw. Bless.
"Ah yes. Well I'm sure some taxis will be along very soon"
"Oh, look! There's a nice man stopping to give one of them a lift!"
Saturday, March 31, 2007
1) Roll down your windows, rev your engine in a manner that will make everyone think you have a tiny penis, turn up your tinny copy of 2 Unlimited's greatest hits and go Booley Cruisin down the Beach Boulevard.
2) Go down Castle Street past the now closed Crow's Nest ("Most talked about food in the city!"), past Cotton Street, round Miller Street, down St Clement St and left up Wellington St to the big beach front car park.
The second of these routes is of course entertaining because it is The Grey Toon's Green light district and hence you can play spot the hoor (as my next post will detail) if it's the right time of day.
Last saturday though we were on the way to an early showing at the cinema and didn't expect there to be any hoors out in the clear light of day. My friend in the back seat was the first to spot one out early doing a bit of overtime.
"Hey look - I thought the hoors didn't come out until dark! She's out early isn't she? Why do they usually not come out until dark anyway?"
We drove past her in silence, pondering this.
The hoor looked like Carol Vorderman from a distance - you know, in one of those short designer dresses she wears to the ITV awards... Long attractive legs, flicking her hair over her shoulder, doing a complicated bit of long division and all that. Until we got closer and she grinned at us, her potential customers. Which was when we realised she was totally void of front teeth...
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Pal. Don't rant to me. Don't rant to me at all. Especially about:
a) The new shops they're building at the Haudagin Roundabout.
b) The city bypass.
c) Organic Farms.
d) My choice of mechanic. He is a lovely man and not a crook. When was the last time someone fixed YOUR alternator for free?
e) Other taxi drivers. Especially the ones with the green plates.
f) Wellington Road.
And then when you drop me off after taking the slowest route possible, don't ask me where the Hoors have gone! Yes. I know you like to everything that's going on and Yes. I know you had one of them sorting out her paraphenalia (!?) in your back seat. But that doesn't give you the right to have an additional 5 minute rant and inquisition once you've taken me to my destination.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
"Heymin! Come here and see this web page!" she cries, pointing to a rather familiar site. "My Neighbours Are Hoors!!! Did you nae used to live above hoors? You and this girl should get together and compare notes! She could even report some of your hoor stories for you!"
Much laughter followed and I promised that I would, indeed, look up the site when I got home.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
I came home to many texts and emails on thursday. For this most 'umble blog has been covered in none other than Britain's top Tabloid, The Sun.
Linky: The Scottish Sun's article on My Neighbours Are Hoors
My favourite bits are
- the title - "Cheeky" is a much underused word. Today I will try to use it all the time.
- the bits in bold. The Sun doing what The Sun does best - summing it all up in 3 bold words, just in case you don't have enough time in your fag break to read the whole thing "Photos," "Saucy" and "Whipping" - Saucy is another word that should be used more.
- Their photo of what one of the hoors might have looked like - I think they've done a very good job here.
My mother always warned me that if I wasn't a good little girl, I'd end up on the front page of The Sun... I am more than satisfied with "page 50, next to the debt ads." Class!
Edit: I managed to use "Cheeky" 3 times today. And "Saucy" twice. (But saucy was describing our supper).
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Soooooo I'm struggling down the street to the door of the building with a big pile of shopping when a stringy looking man in his mid 40's parks his car (badly. Honestly. Reverse parking isn't that difficult. All it needs is a little patience and a little practice.) and hops up to the front door. He gazes at the buzzer for a few seconds and presses it. He whistles a jolly little tune and waits.
At this point, as I walk down the street towards him, I wonder if the new resident has disconnected the Hoors buzzer (they had a seperate one all of their own). God knows, the place was empty for long enough with the curtains open and that plant in the window... long enough hopefully for all the punters to know the Hoors had gone. I hope he's just an uncle or electrician or something and not a punter looking for business...
The punter gets no reply and looks up at me. I approach the door with a deep sigh and make to get my keys out and excuse myself past him into the building.
"Hullo!" he says chirpily. And I KNOW. I just KNOW what's coming next.
"Good Evening" I smile politely. (I am always polite). There is a pause.
"Do yer know if Miss Jasmine* still lives here? Only I've been buzzing and got no answer"
And I'm sorry. I just couldn't help it. I could have walked away. I could have said no... But I JUST COULDN'T HELP IT.
"Miss Jasmine?" I ask loudly, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! You mean the Bro-thel?! No. It's been closed down. You'll have to go elsewhere I'm afraid!" I smile politely again and my key has turned the lock and I am scampering up the stairs.
Karma is so going to make me pay for that some day...
* He didn't actually say Miss Jasmine. I am changing the names to protect the innocent like they do in True Life Films and in Bella.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Aww. Once again I am going to be your friendly neighbourhood Agony Aunt. (Another top 10)
1) Give them lots of money.
2) Live with it. You could be lucky. You could have undesireables for your neighbours. You know... People you don't want for neighbours? Prostitutes? Drug Dealers? Nazis? Talking from experience here you know...
3) Bake them a cake. People like cakes. They might suddenly develop a certain fondness for you... either that or decide you're trying to poison them, talk about themselves about it and then they'll all hate you even more.
4) Start up a brothel. Offer freebies to neighbours.
5) Buy some drain rods. Offer your neighbours a shottie.
6) Move in next door to Cliff Richard. He loves everyone. (I was going to write Jesus, but some people might have taken offence. Actually. Maybe "Cliff Richard loves everyone" is a false statement. See me google for "Who does Cliff Richard hate?")
7) Park considerately. (Unlike those bastards out there with their 4x4s taking up two spaces. Do we live in the country up some muddy dirt track!?! NO! We do not. Bastards. Death to everyone who buys a 4x4 or a people carrier just to go to fucking Tescos. </rant>)
8) Stop playing Celine Dion on repeat! Jeeez.
9) Stop feeding their cat laxatives. Jeeeez.
10) Become a hermit. Buy a hut on a hillside outside Dundee, put mud in your hair, grow a Brian Blessed beard, learn to drool, throw dung at passers by.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
This didn't just start when the hoors moved in. In fact, I was just thinking back to the time I first moved into this flat around 8 or 9 years ago...
In those days I was sleeping on an inflatable mattress in the livingroom because I had hauled off the woodchip on the bedroom walls in a brave fit of decorating bravado and half the walls had come with it... I had a kettle and a microwave and was living on potnoodles and every night I fell asleep after a hard days DIY with the smell of fresh paint in my nose and a dangerous amount of plaster dust in my lungs. Ah them were the days.
It was the start of summer and warm enough to sleep with the windows open. I read a bit of an article on how to remove artex, switched off the light and stretched out, making myself rather seasick. Aaaah my first night in my own flat!
So it was about 1am and I had just dropped off to sleep when I was awakened by what the papers would call a commotion in the street. A great deal of noise was being caused by some ropey looking auld culloch who I would have had to have described in great detail 8 years ago... but conveniently (and topically) I now just need to say that she looked just like Jade Goody's mum BEFORE the makeover. Really she did! Except she had the full compliment of arms.
Anyway. I spent most of the first bout of commotion on my inflatable mattress wondering what the hell kind of neighbourhood I'd moved in to (hah. I hadn't seen anything yet).
"Yer a bastard John Smith!* An effin bastard! I ken well whit you did wi that sluT (she emphasised the T) and by the time ah'm finished, the entire bloody street will ken an' a'! Ye cheatin BASTARD!"
And indeed we did, over the next five minutes, find out what he'd done with the sluT. In quite a lot of detail I won't go in to here. It's the kind of stuff you can usually find in "Take A Break" or on Trisha. Finally she finished and demanded that the silent John Smith come out in to the street and face her. Wisely, he remained inside.
"Get oot here, ye wee shite! Get oot here an face mi! C'moan oot here and stand up tae yer poor sufferin' wife ye cheatin bastard - or are ye too feart tae leave that Hoooooor of yours!?!? " - Looking back, this woman was practically a fortuneteller. Who'd have thought back then that within a few months our very own Hoors would move in.
After about half an hour there was silence and I thought it was all over and that it was safe to go back to sleep. But NO. Just as I was drifting off again, there was more to come.
"Right John! Ah'm back and if yer still dinna care enough fur me tae come oot and face mi, then ah'm gaen fur something ye dae care abooot!"
OK OK OK Wumman. I'm getting out of my bed. So I stood at my (still curtainless) windows and to my surprise was faced with the sight of all my neighbours across the road looking out of their windows at the free entertainment. This was a sight I'd become familiar with in later years when the Hoors and other had their fights in the street. To give you a better mental picture, it's kind of like a big grey granite colusseum but with Aberdonians in their underwear drinking tennents instead of toga'd roman gentlefolk sipping wine.
I was just in time too, for the entertainment was just about to begin. With the energy of one posessed, she hauled herself up on top of a dustbin and started to rip a branch off a tree. This done, she approached a rather nice car parked opposite our tenement and yelled out (as if to the world) "Right John! huv ah got yer attention now!?" before proceeding to energetically whack the windscreen with the leafy end with all the energy of a woman possessed.
After a while, she noticed she wasn't getting very far with this and jumped on to the bonnet of the car so as to cause a bit more damage. This didn't work, so the branch was flung away and she got down and looked around to see what else she could do. She spied a brick. Hilariously, it bounced off the windscreen. "There ye are, ye bastard!!!" she cried (possibly oblivious to the bricks lack of damage).
Unperturbed, the windscreen wipers were next. She wasn't quite strong enough to pull them off entirely, but did manage to twist them into something worthy of the Tate Modern. The left wing mirror was then given a kick, then a tug, then a kick, then a tug until it finally came off in her hands.
Triumphant (and quite exhausted and filthy by now) she lobbed the wing mirror at his front door screaming "Right! Ye Cheating Shite! - fit dae ye think o' that!?!" and off she strutted up the street. John Smith remained in his flat and didn't show himself to the dissapointed audience of residents who were undoubtedly awaiting his appearance for a final showdown. By the time I got up next morning, the car was gone and the angry wumman was never seen again...
*again, names changed to protect the poor sod and to protect me from getting sued
Saturday, February 03, 2007
1) Report them to the police! It is your duty as a do-gooding citizen and they may let you off that parking fine.
2) Report them to The Sun! It is your duty as a tabloid reader and you may get some "lovely lolly" for your story. (Especially if local MPs or celebrites are spotted visiting).
3) Point some friendly Mormons/Jehovas Witnesses/Other Misc Travelling Religion in their direction. It is your moral duty and you may get a place in heaven.
4) Ask them what the pay is like. You may discover a new and interesting career.
5) Buy a flat opposite. Start a blog called "My Neighbours Are Also Hoors!"
6) Start rumours that its your boss/ex's girlfriend/the guy that cut you up in traffic this morning. Buy deckchair and some beer. Sit opposite their house and wait for revenge plus entertainment in one timesaving package.
7) First confirm your suspicious and then buy the girls some nice winceyette nighties. The nights are fairy cold at this time of year and while you're at it they could do with some decent thermal undies that save their modesty...
8) Write to The Sun's Dear Deirdre expressing your concerns and wait for the soft porn photo story that will undoubtedly ensue. Don't worry, they'll probably make you out to be some Glam Chick peering out of her window wearing practically nothing, rather than the nosey old biddy with a blue rinse most of us would expect.
9) I'm writing this from a very female perspective amn't I? I forgot the obvious. Ask for a Price List of their Services and if they do discounts.
10) Move into the flat next door and constantly play music that will put them off their stroke (so to speak). The Teletubbies Theme Tune on repeat, anything religious, anything by Celine Dion.
Friday, January 26, 2007
The inevitable has happened! The Hoors flat has a new resident!
After the tools and camping furniture vanished from the front room and a nice begonia appeared sitting on the windowsill, a shining new "To Let" sign appeared in the Hoors window!
Now I'm not saying I'm nosy or anything, but you have to admit it WOULD take a lot of self control not to phone up the number advertised on the sign, just to enquire how much the flat was going for... And so just after Christmas, I was told it was not YET up for let! (Couldn't help myself). (I owed it to you lot afterall...)
Cunning flat owners. Leaving the flat OBVIOUSLY emtpy for a few weeks. Giving the punters a good few weeks warning that the brothel had gone before leasing it out to some unsuspecting youngster.
Inevitably, of course, this is what has happened. For my dad (who finds my flat a convenient place to have a cup of tea on his way in to town) has informed me that an innocent young curly haired blond lass was moving in the other day. Being a couthy old man and a gentleman too, he said hello before heading up for a nice cup of earl grey. When quizzed, he admitted there was a certain air of purity about the young lass.
Oh dear. I feared as much.
More news as it comes in!
Monday, January 15, 2007
Plus - Happy New Year! (I can still say it this late on in January - and anyway, we're only just past the Olde New Year)
Anyway. On to business. I have been pointed in the direction of this report in our local paper The Press and Journal (aka the P&J, affectionately known as the Peenj). I feel sorry for the guy, but feel it is my duty to report any Hoor-Related-Business here in the Grey Toon.
COUNCILLOR ADMITS TRYING TO ACCESS HOOKER WEBSITES
A Leading councillor today admitted trying to access pornographic prostitution websites, but claimed it was all part of the job.
Martin Greig, vice-convener of Grampian Joint Police Board, spoke out after council officials launched an investigation over his computer.
Today Cllr Greig, who is also chairman of Aberdeen's Community Safety Partnership, admitted he tried looking at prostitute websites as part of research into the hooker problem across the city - but had not told anyone of his intention to do so.
He said: "As chair of the Sex Industry Forum, I have had to carry out internet research on the problem and the rise on the internet of prostitution."
He said these were "obviously pornographic websites" but the council IT system blocked access to them.
He added: "I was trying to access sites about prostitution.
"I have never been able to access any unauthorised site."
And from one who gets many hits from people searching for "Hooker + The Grey Toon" or "Brothels In The Grey Toon," I wonder if Councillor Greig popped in by. If you did, Councillor Greig, I do hope you enjoyed your visit :)
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Thanks everyone for your kind comments and begging letters asking me to insist that the Hoors haven't, in fact, left the building. *sob*
It's all so touching!!! *sniffle*
Oh I think I've had too much sherry...